The Average Child

A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he’s average. - Jimmy Fallon

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The Average Child

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"C" Students?

I think the world is run by 'C' students. - Al McGuire

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"C" Students?

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No Man Goes Before His Time

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. - Groucho!

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No Man Goes Before His Time

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Fire Hydrant Factory Problems

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. - Steven Wright

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Fire Hydrant Factory Problems

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Mae West Has Been.....

I've been in more laps than a napkin. - Mae West

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Mae West Has Been.....

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Joggers Smiling?

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. - Joan Rivers

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Joggers Smiling?

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Jimmie Fallon Funnies.....

According to new research, unattractive defendants are 22 percent more likely to be convicted than good-looking ones. Although to be fair, the good-looking defendants have a much harder time after they're convicted.

During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago

A new study found that the average man tells 1,092 lies a year. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that — it’s actually 1,091.

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Jimmie Fallon Funnies.....

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Leno: Pelosi

Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state. - Jay leno

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Leno: Pelosi

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Erma Bombeck-My Theory on Housework

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?  - Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck-My Theory on Housework

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Violence and Smut.....

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. - Dave Barry

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Violence and Smut.....

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Watch The Olives!

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. - Rodney

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Watch The Olives!

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George Carlin Funnies

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. 


 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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George Carlin Funnies

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A Great Horse

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. - Henny Youngman

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A Great Horse

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Passionate About Technology?

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. - Craig Ferguson

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Passionate About Technology?

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Regular or Unleaded?

This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded. - David Letterman

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Regular or Unleaded?

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In Honor of Cows

Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said, "I think that I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?" - Bill Watterson

Custard:  A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. - Ambrose Bierce


Condensed milk is wonderful.  I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. - Fred Allen

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In Honor of Cows

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Pathetic...

"A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad.  An optimist is a man who hopes they are."  - Chauncey Mitchell Depew

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Pathetic...

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Social Network Sites

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites. - Jimmy Fallon

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Social Network Sites

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Letterman.......

Stephen Hawking says that if we try to contact aliens from outer space, they may try to colonize the planet. Didn’t Starbucks already do that?

On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration.

It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.

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Letterman.......

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Never Lend Your Car to Them

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

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Never Lend Your Car to Them

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No Problem is ...

No problem is too big to run away from. - Charles M. Schulz

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No Problem is ...

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Robert Benchley.....

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment. - Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley.....

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W.C. Fields.....

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.  W.C. Fields

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W.C. Fields.....

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From Hina

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